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The Best Damned Cooking Show Ever

The following chat room transcript, date unknown, is offered without further comment:

mamster says, "I have a story."
neild exclaims (to mamster), "Took you long enough!"
Ventura exclaims, "Story!"
mamster says (to neild), "I was in the laundry room."
mamster says, "Recently Laurie and I got cable."
neild says (to mamster), "I hear that's going around."
Ventura says, "mmm... food network."
mamster says, "I haven't had cable for years, so I've been watching TV just because it's there. This is probably not good for me, but it's good for you. You'll see why."
mamster says (to Ventura), "We have that."
TenthStone dropped the help booklet.
the help booklet zips back to the Guest as soon as it hits the ground.
ddyte exclaims, "mamsterrrrrrrino!"
neild asks (to mamster), "Not Russian Wheel of Fortune?"
mamster exclaims, "Dytie!"
mamster says (to neild), "Nope."
Guest says, "Huh, I only have cable in theory"
mamster says, "We had the preview channel running."
mamster says, "On one of the many community access channels, it said that starting in mere seconds would be Satanic Mass."
Guest dropped the help booklet.
the help booklet zips back to the Guest as soon as it hits the ground.
neild exclaims, "Yay!"
mamster says, "'That sounds entertaining,' we thought."
Ventura says, "Woah."
mamster says, "We could not possibly have been more correct."
TenthStone asks (to guest), "Could you give that to me
again?"
ddyte exclaims (to mamster), "Send tape!!!!!"
Guest gives the help booklet to TenthStone.
(From neild) mamster says, "Of course, it was really an abbreviation for 'Satanic Massachusetts.'
mamster says (to ddyte), "We didn't tape it."
mamster says, "This guy comes on."
ddyte says, "Awww."
mamster says, "He has short hair and a t-shirt. Clearly a Satanist."
mamster says, "Also a gravelly voice."
mamster says, "He's standing in his kitchen."
Ventura doesn't trust people with short hair.
TenthStone gives the help booklet to Guest.
neild asks, "Did his T-shirt say, 'I sold my soul to the Dark Lord, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'?"
TenthStone says, "My work here is done. I must go now."
Guest dropped the help booklet.
the help booklet zips back to the Guest as soon as it hits the ground.
mamster says, "'Today,' he begins, 'we'll be making Satanic Vegetarian Chili.'"
neild falls over and dies.
ddyte says (to mamster), "Ok, I just fell over."
mamster says, "Pan to a pile of ingredients."
Ventura exclaims, "Hahahahahaha!"
mamster says (to ddyte), "So did we."
mamster says, "He introduces most of the ingredients normally, although in the voice most people would use to describe torture implements."
ddyte says, "This threatens to enter the MUD anecdote hall of fame."
mamster says, "Then he gets to the final ingredient:"
mamster says, "'THE TERROR OF TOFU'."
ddyte says, "Hahahahaha."
neild falls over and dies even more.
Ventura exclaims, "HA!"
mamster says, "And the guy proceeds to cook vegetarian chili."
mamster says, "He makes occasional vaguely dark comments."
mamster says, "Now, I *think* this was intented as comedy."
mamster says, "But the guy seemed bumbling enough that I'm not 100% sure."
neild says, "I need to watch more public access."
mamster says, "Do you ever."
dyte says, "I *so* want tape of this."
mamster says (to ddyte), "I'm sure it will be on again."
neild says, "Also, the Food Network needs to hire more satanists."
Ventura says, "Indeed."