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Sympathy for the Tofu
by Matthew Amster-Burton

June 11, 2001

If you're not familiar with the story of the satanic cooking show, see the previous article. I figured that was the end of the story. Then, out of the brimstone, I received the following message:

From [email protected] Sun Jun 10 16:28:45 2001
Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 11:19:01 -0400
From: "André Schlesinger" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Satanic Mass

I was surfing the web and found your page with a chatroom
log with people talking about Satanic Mass. I am the
producer/director/cameraman/host/etc. of this show which airs every
Saturday night/Sunday morning at 1 AM on Manhattan Neighborhood Network
public access TV. The segment where I am making my vegetarian chili and
where I make other "devilish delights" is called "Hell's Kitchen."  Just
thought I would say hi!

Hail the Citizens of the Infernal Empire!

Hail Satan!

Reverend André Schlesinger, Cyberus, GM
Maninblack Grotto/Church Of Satan/N.Y.C.

Needless to say, this to me was the equivalent of hitting the big time. I asked Mr. Schlesinger if I might reprint his chili recipe, and he kindly agreed. He is also working on a cookbook. This raises all sorts of questions, like "do satanist chefs have sous-chefs or just minions?" Also, I would recommend calling one of the chapters "My Dinner with André".

Uncle André's Satanic Vegetarian Chili
(As prepared on the NYC public access television program Satanic Mass, segment "Hell's Kitchen.")

This is a recipe that I have developed over the years, after tasting many different types of chili recipes, and started with my brief stint some years ago as a vegetarian.

1 lb firm tofu
1 15 oz can of black beans (or two cups reconstituted/cooked dry black beans)
16 oz tomato sauce
1 large green pepper
1 large onion
4 small hot peppers (jalapeno, habanero, etc. I prefer the Jamaican variety.)
1 1/4 cup of corn or "masa" flour
4 large cloves of fresh garlic
1 bay leaf
2 tablespoon cayenne pepper powder
1 table spoon cumin powder
1 tablespoon oregano
1/2 cup fresh chopped cilantro leaves

Slice tofu into small cubes of about the size of sugar cubes and fry in vegetable oil until light golden brown and remove from oil, dice green pepper, onion, garlic, cilantro, and add everything into a large pot along with tomato sauce, cheyenne pepper, cumin, oregano, and bay leaf. Cover and let simmer for about 1 hour, occasionally stirring counterclockwise. Dice hot peppers and add them along with black beans to chili. Mix corn flour with enough cold water to make a thin runny paste and stir counterclockwise into chili (this acts as a thickening agent and also adds a light corn flavor). Cover and let simmer for about another hour or longer (Hint: chili almost always tastes better re-heated when allowed to sit refrigerated for many hours or days after cooking). When done serve by the cup or over rice, topped with melted cheddar cheese, and with lots of sour cream and cold beverages standing by.

Until next time, if you can't stand the heat get the hell out of the kitchen!

-The Chefinblack [HOME]

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